God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice cream!

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Boss: (to employee) – Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don’t, you’ve told her twice already!

What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.

I like Kids. But I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M and M’s? Cos they fall through his hands.

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I’m home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don’t know. Never happens.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn’t take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Why’d the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool…

DOG SEX

How do dogs like sex?

RUFF!

GUY PERIOD
If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!

DEMONSTRATION
Sex is when a guyscommunication enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation do you get the
information…or do you need a demonstration

SEX IS EVIL
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.

VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

COOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face …
NO SEX !

WOMENS NEEDS
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,
mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed!
And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!

SICK LEAVE
A guycall into work and says: Boss Ican´tcome to work to day, I´m sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I´m fucking my sister how sick is that?

BRAND SEX
Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

VALANTINE
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?

F**KING MAFIA
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia…
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!

THE BUSH
When an apple is green it’s ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to fuck!

The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!

Luv is a sensation
Luv is a sensation dat iscaused by temptation,a boy puts his location in a girls destination,do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?

Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!

Equation
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract urclothes, divide your legs and wecan multiply!

Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!

Luv me tender
Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!

Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!

Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!

Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!

£50 note tattood on yourcock
3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants

Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!

Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!

Cat & Rooster
cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!

Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!

Bonna
There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?

Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!

Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

How to satisfy a woman
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

Life is like a dick
Life is like a dick! When it’s hard Fuck it!

Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

Love & War
LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i’ll blow the shit out of you!

Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!

Virginity is like a balloon
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it’s gone forever!

Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!

The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!

Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, youcan’t stop!!

Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!

Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo

Baby Please
Of all the babes ur my selection,please dont giv me a rejection,my teeth areclean for ur inspection,so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

HOW MANY ANIMALScAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS?
10 little piggies,2calves,1 ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!

Sex+drugs+rock+rave
Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e’s,well get drunk & talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so fuck em all & lets get high!

Men like toilets
Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)deyconsume large amounts of liquid
5)rconstantlt full of shit!

Mary’s bush
Mary Mary, quitecontrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!

Horny
Roses are red, voilets arecorny, when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!

5 bad things to say to a naked guy
5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY
1)so dis explains urcar!
2)but still work,right?
3)r ucold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz suckin mecock,daclock struck 2,i dumped me goo,& dropped her at da end of da block!

Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly dick got hard!

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat her,smacked her twice around da head, F**ked her arse & went 2 bed!

Being a student
Being a student is so much fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my teacher in how tongues flex,we’ll both graduate in hot oral sex!

Down on her Knees
Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob in her gob,Wiv a tingle in his belly,his legs turn to jellycos shes doin a fuckin good job!

Cat and the Sausage
Acat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

Oral sex
Oral sexcan b so fine,wen u do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den ucum just like a river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!

Mary’s bike
Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time the wheels went round the spokes went up hercunt

Rhyme
a mans ocupation
is to stick hiscockulation
up a wommens ventulation to
increase the population of the
younger generation if u want a demonstation plz lie down!

NewsFlash
*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !

Nutella
I love when you stick your little fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.

U and the Pope
do u know what’s the diference between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the pope gets laid, it’s a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!!

Durex
Do you wan’t fun Do you wan’t sex Don’t forget durex

Old Days
in days of old wen knights were bold +condoms wernt invented they tied socks around theircocks + people like u were prevented.

Sex, Drugs + Birthcontrol
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so fuck the world
lets get high..

Kiss Me
Kiss’s r blown + kiss’s r wasted kiss’s rnt kiss’s unless they r tasted, kiss’s spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!

How many letters
How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

My Roof?
last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky…. then I thought where the fuck is my roof??

Foot and Mouth
mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got foot and mouth

Blondes
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

Operator
This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

Blonde Womens legs
what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don’t know they never met!

This Way Up
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

I love you
This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!

Mary’s Lambs
Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they’re black andcrispy.

Sheep
Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your get us all shot.

Butter
Your teeth are so yellow, ican’t believe it’s not butter!!!

Condom factory
Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.

Yo Mama
Yo mama’s so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Mary Stinks
Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!

Mary’s Duck
mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fuck!

Tampons
whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?….they r all stuck upcunts!

Sex is like Maths
sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs…
and MULTIPLY!

Suspense
how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? …………. ………… …tell you later !!!

Statistics
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

Farmer Joneshas
farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn’t life a drag?
coz they’re all burning in a field
he’s got no sheep to shag

Gary Gliter
*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15′s

Ba Ba White Sheep
ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

News Flash – Indian Earthquake
!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!

USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending … … … Replacements

Leather Heather
there was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

Little Miss Drugy
little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed.

Jack and Jill
Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big’n airy, Jill said “WOW WOT A WHOPPER let’s go home & DO IT PROPER

IRA
what do you do if a irish man through’s a pin at you … … you runcause he’s got a grenade in his mouth

Dear Mammy love annie
There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what’s a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it’s sick.

Cock Sucker Detecotor
This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone….. .. scanning….

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath…

COCK SUCKER !!

Pink Vagina
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

Red Riding Hood
Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

Fuck for money
sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money