2 Fantastic tips for people in the UK

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

My Reality Check bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don’t have any. 1

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

How Dogs and Women are alike…..
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

If you jogged backward … would you gain weight?

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
“101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”

If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that’s how dogs spend their lives.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”