A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, “Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me.”

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, “OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?”

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

To which the first replies, “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

A couple return from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!”