A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me…Good job!

5. Excuse me…is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

11. Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer…that’s terrific…the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that’s how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows.

“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us.

So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.