Category

Jokes

Category

Free SMS Quotes

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

My Reality Check bounced.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
– Trustworthy.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
– Because they don’t have any. 1

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
– E.T. phoned home.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

How Dogs and Women are alike…..
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

If you jogged backward … would you gain weight?

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
“101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”

If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that’s how dogs spend their lives.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

CIA Application

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

Foot In Mouth Disease

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’ t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”. I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM,IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story… We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Little Eddy’s Test

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal’s office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Eddy: “Pants”

Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

Computer Problems

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

CS: “What sort of trouble?”

C: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

CS: “Went away?”

C: “They disappeared.”

CS: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

C: “Nothing.”

CS: “Nothing?”

C: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

CS: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

C: “How do I tell?”

CS: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

C: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

CS: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

C: “There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

CS: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

C: “What’s a monitor?”

CS: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

C: “I don’t know.”

CS: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

C: “Yes, I think so.”

CS: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

C: “…….Yes, it is.”

CS: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

C: “No.”

CS: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

C: “…….Okay, here it is.”

CS: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

CS: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

C: “No.”

CS: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

C: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

CS: “Dark?”

C: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

CS: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

C: “I can’t.”

CS: “No? Why not?”

C: “Because there’s a power outage.”

CS: “A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

C: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

CS: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

C: “Really? Is it that bad?”

CS: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

C: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

CS: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

A Nun And A Drunk

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming,

“You’re not so tough tonight are you Batman!”

First BJ

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders 10 shots of tequila.

The bartender pours the shots and asks the man if he is feeling OK. The man responds by saying that he is fine and hes actually celebrating his first blowjob. He then knocks back all 10 shots one after the other.

The bartender says to the man, “Hey, since it was your first blowjob, let me buy you another shot.”

The man replies “No, no… if 10 shots of tequila doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

Drunk Vocabulary

HINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

Custody

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, “Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me.”

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, “OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?”

Bad Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost! and need directions!”

Female Sponge Bath Joke

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

22 Things To Never Say To A COP

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin’ at least 120 mph to keep up with me…Good job!

5. Excuse me…is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

11. Didn’t I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they’re too dumb to work at McDonald’s?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer…that’s terrific…the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that’s how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows.

“51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us.

So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

12 Days Of Helpdesk

On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.