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Jokes

Category

Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.

“I was having a pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

“Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

“It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

Bar Prostitute

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she’s a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. “Is it true you’re a prostitute?”

“Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I dunno. What do you charge?”

“I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there.”

“$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?”

“You see that Ferrari out there?”

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there’s a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

“I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it’s worth it.”

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he’s ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he’s back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

“Last night was incredible”

“Of course it was. Just wait ?til you try one of my blowjobs.”

“How much is that?”

“$500”

“$500? C’mon, that’s ridiculous.”

“You see that apartment building across the street?”

The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.

“I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it’s worth it.”

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. “I’m hooked, you’re the best Tell me, what’ll it cost me for some pussy?”

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. “You see that island?”

“Aw, c’mon, You can’t mean that.”

She nods her head. “You bet. If I had a pussy, I’d own Manhattan”

50 Dollar Bill

A couple return from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!”

20 Years With My Wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes I do.” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes I remember.”

“Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.’Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail’?”

“Yes I do”, she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, ” You know I would have gotten out today.”

Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?”

“Yes, I’m sorry,” says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

“I can also make it wink,” says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”

Stunned, Joe replies, “Good grief! Can it whistle, too?”

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.

‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.

The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy?s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that??

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

Blind Man

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy
yells to the bartender: “Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?’ A deathly
silence
transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to
him
says: “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The
bartender
is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I’m a 6′ tall, 200lb blonde with a
black belt in Karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde
and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she’s a
pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell
that
joke?”
The blind man pauses to think, and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to
explain it five times.”

Blonde, Brunette & Red Head

There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and
the were at the doctors office because they had all gotten
pregnant. As they were sitting there talking, the brunette
said “I’m going to have a boy because I was on top”. The red
head said “Well I am going to have a girl because I was on the
bottom.” The blonde starded crying hysterically and the other
two girls asked “What’s wrong?” The blonde said “Oh no I’m
going to have puppies!”

Free SMS Jokes

Please note these jokes are for people over the age of 18 due to the adult material.

DOG SEX

How do dogs like sex?

RUFF!

GUY PERIOD
If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!

DEMONSTRATION
Sex is when a guyscommunication enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation do you get the
information…or do you need a demonstration

SEX IS EVIL
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.

VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

COOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face …
NO SEX !

WOMENS NEEDS
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,
mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed!
And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!

SICK LEAVE
A guycall into work and says: Boss Ican´tcome to work to day, I´m sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I´m fucking my sister how sick is that?

BRAND SEX
Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

VALANTINE
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?

F**KING MAFIA
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia…
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!

THE BUSH
When an apple is green it’s ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to fuck!

The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!

Luv is a sensation
Luv is a sensation dat iscaused by temptation,a boy puts his location in a girls destination,do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?

Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!

Equation
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract urclothes, divide your legs and wecan multiply!

Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!

Luv me tender
Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!

Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!

Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!

Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!

£50 note tattood on yourcock
3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants

Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!

Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!

Cat & Rooster
cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!

Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!

Bonna
There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?

Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!

Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

How to satisfy a woman
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

Life is like a dick
Life is like a dick! When it’s hard Fuck it!

Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

Love & War
LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i’ll blow the shit out of you!

Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!

Virginity is like a balloon
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it’s gone forever!

Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!

The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!

Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, youcan’t stop!!

Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!

Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo

Baby Please
Of all the babes ur my selection,please dont giv me a rejection,my teeth areclean for ur inspection,so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

HOW MANY ANIMALScAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS?
10 little piggies,2calves,1 ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!

Sex+drugs+rock+rave
Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e’s,well get drunk & talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so fuck em all & lets get high!

Men like toilets
Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)deyconsume large amounts of liquid
5)rconstantlt full of shit!

Mary’s bush
Mary Mary, quitecontrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!

Horny
Roses are red, voilets arecorny, when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!

5 bad things to say to a naked guy
5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY
1)so dis explains urcar!
2)but still work,right?
3)r ucold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz suckin mecock,daclock struck 2,i dumped me goo,& dropped her at da end of da block!

Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly dick got hard!

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat her,smacked her twice around da head, F**ked her arse & went 2 bed!

Being a student
Being a student is so much fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my teacher in how tongues flex,we’ll both graduate in hot oral sex!

Down on her Knees
Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob in her gob,Wiv a tingle in his belly,his legs turn to jellycos shes doin a fuckin good job!

Cat and the Sausage
Acat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

Oral sex
Oral sexcan b so fine,wen u do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den ucum just like a river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!

Mary’s bike
Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time the wheels went round the spokes went up hercunt

Rhyme
a mans ocupation
is to stick hiscockulation
up a wommens ventulation to
increase the population of the
younger generation if u want a demonstation plz lie down!

NewsFlash
*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !

Nutella
I love when you stick your little fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.

U and the Pope
do u know what’s the diference between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the pope gets laid, it’s a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!! 🙂

Durex
Do you wan’t fun Do you wan’t sex Don’t forget durex

Old Days
in days of old wen knights were bold +condoms wernt invented they tied socks around theircocks + people like u were prevented.

Sex, Drugs + Birthcontrol
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so fuck the world
lets get high..

Kiss Me
Kiss’s r blown + kiss’s r wasted kiss’s rnt kiss’s unless they r tasted, kiss’s spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!

How many letters
How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

My Roof?
last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky…. then I thought where the fuck is my roof??

Foot and Mouth
mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got foot and mouth

Blondes
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

Operator
This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

Blonde Womens legs
what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don’t know they never met!

This Way Up
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

I love you
This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!

Mary’s Lambs
Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they’re black andcrispy.

Sheep
Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your get us all shot.

Butter
Your teeth are so yellow, ican’t believe it’s not butter!!!

Condom factory
Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.

Yo Mama
Yo mama’s so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Mary Stinks
Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!

Mary’s Duck
mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fuck!

Tampons
whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?….they r all stuck upcunts!

Sex is like Maths
sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs…
and MULTIPLY!

Suspense
how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? …………. ………… …tell you later !!!

Statistics
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

Farmer Joneshas
farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn’t life a drag?
coz they’re all burning in a field
he’s got no sheep to shag

Gary Gliter
*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15’s

Ba Ba White Sheep
ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

News Flash – Indian Earthquake
!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!

USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending … … … Replacements

Leather Heather
there was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

Little Miss Drugy
little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed.

Jack and Jill
Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big’n airy, Jill said “WOW WOT A WHOPPER let’s go home & DO IT PROPER

IRA
what do you do if a irish man through’s a pin at you … … you runcause he’s got a grenade in his mouth

Dear Mammy love annie
There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what’s a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it’s sick.

Cock Sucker Detecotor
This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone….. .. scanning….

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath…

COCK SUCKER !!

Pink Vagina
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

Red Riding Hood
Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

Fuck for money
sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

Voodoo Penis

A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.

One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn’t go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo’s and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, “I really shouldn’t be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady.” He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, “Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say “voodoo penis” and then where ever you want it to go.” The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the “voodoo penis”. He commanded, “VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!” The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, “Voodoo Penis, return to the box!” The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.

The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, “Voodoo Penis my crotch!” The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.

She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.

She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, “Voodoo Penis, My ASS!”

Mint Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury’s Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new
mint-flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and
Wal-Mart’s Pharmacies.

They’re going to be called . . . “Pre-dick-a-mints!”