I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
My Reality Check bounced.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
– Because they don’t have any. 1
What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
– E.T. phoned home.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
How Dogs and Women are alike…..
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you jogged backward … would you gain weight?
Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
“101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”
If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that’s how dogs spend their lives.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.